This page is just for uplifting, funny and generally true stories plus a sort of miscellany of whatever, stolen from wherever I may have come across them. The copyrights belong to their respective owners, of course. Well, let’s get on with it!

Heard the One About Neil Armstrong?

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind” statement, but followed it by several remarks – usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.” Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs. Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant. On July 5, [1995] in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors’ bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, “Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!” Top

Software Notes: Upgrading to Wife 1.0

(Assumed to be public domain)

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it’s a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always lauched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He’s finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, PubNight 7.0, and Excuses 5.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he’d like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0. – A “Don’t remind me again” button – Minimize button – An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. – An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful. I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conficts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn’t work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks – all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

***** BUG WARNING **************** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *************** To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.

*** UPGRADE VERSION ***************** Although advertised as being Plug’n’Play, installing the Upgrade version of Wife 1.0 results in several of the better features of Girlfriend 1.0 refusing to continue working. The supposed compatibility with Fast-Car 3.6 & Ski Holiday 6.2 is also flawed, and launching these applications results in strange noises and error messages. Wife 1.0 also appears to be totally incompatible with all previous versions of BEST MATE, and some users have reported that continued use of BEST MATE can lead to unwanted sharing of resources and I/O ports unless the System Agent is installed as a background task.

*** SUMMARY ******************************* It appears that Girlfriend 1.0 is still one of the best products on the market, especially just after installation. Though not as much fun as CASUALSHAG 63.8 for the power user, it remains relatively reliable and easy on system resources. The timeout feature of Girlfriend is the major problem, and in severe cases can force the user to upgrade to Wife 1.0 with dire consequences on system health. Top

The FBI Pizza Call: From The Raid At The Southwood Psychiatric Hospital,

Chula Vista, CA

FBI agents conducted a “search and seizure” at the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital in San Diego, which was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of poring over many rooms of financial records, some sixty FBI agents worked up quite an appetite. The case agent in charge of the investigation called a local pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following conversation took place:

 

Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.

Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?

 

Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.

Pizza man: To the Psychiatric Hospital?

 

Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI Agent.

Pizza man: You’re an FBI agent?

 

Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza man: And you’re at the Psychiatric Hospital?

 

Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them

locked. You’ll have to go around back to the service entrance to deliver them.

Pizza man: And you say you’re all FBI agents?

 

Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And you’re over at Southwood?

 

Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And everyone over at Southwood is an FBI agent?

 

Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.

Pizza man: How are you going to pay for this?

 

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza man: And you are all FBI agents?

 

Agent: That’s right everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and

sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza man: I don’t think so. (Click!)

 

Thanks for the bona fide version of this story to:
Wayne A. Barnes
Special Agent
San Diego FBI

8/27/93 ©

Top

Legal Questions

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers’ Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.

Q: “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
Q: “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”
Q: “Were you present when your picture was taken?”
Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for breathing?”
A: “No.”
Q: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
A: “No.”
Q: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Q: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.”
Q: “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”
Q: “Did he kill you?”
Q: “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
Q: “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
Q: “How many times have you committed suicide?”
Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? “
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And what were you doing at that time?”
Q: “She had three children, right?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “How many were boys?”
A: “None.”
Q: “Were there any girls?”
Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”
Q: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
A: “I went to Europe, Sir.”
Q: < “And you took your new wife?”
Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
A: “By death.”
Q: “And by whose death was it terminated?”
Q: “Can you describe the individual?”
A: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
Q: “Was this a male, or a female?”
Q: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
A: “No, this is how I dress when I go to work.”
Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
A: “All my autopsies are performed on dead people.”
Q: “Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”
A: “The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.”
Q: “And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?”
A: “No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.”
Q: “You were not shot in the fracas?”
A: “No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. “
Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”
A: “I have been since early childhood.”
Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?”
A: “Oral.”

Leave your Comment below